sorry to rain on your halloween parade

but i don’t do halloween. i mean i’m just not into the whole thing. first, there’s the whole history of the holiday (which you can find here), and then all the spooky crap that comes with.

i don’t do spooky crap.

i don’t like being frightened so i refuse to watch scary movies and i don’t even like commercials for scary movies. i usually turn my head, cover my eyes or switch the channel. sometimes all three.

my husband has called me a punk on more than one occasion for closing my eyes when a “buffy the vampire slayer” commercial came on, but so what.

i didn’t always feel this way about halloween because well…what kid is going to turn up an opportunity to go around the neighborhood with all her friends, dressed in a cute costume, yelling trick or treat at the neighbors and getting free candy in return?

please, i was wonder woman for three years straight! honey, i thought i WAS wonder woman, okay? i even had a complete clown costume once, but even when i was a kid trick or treating wasn’t safe. our parents repeatedly told us to only go to the homes of people we knew because there were all kinds of weird folk out poisoning candy and giving kids apples with razor blades. i remember going through our candy with a fine tooth comb while trying to figure out what looked suspicious and tainted.

but hey, what can you expect from a holiday that celebrates everything evil? you’ve got people walking around like mummies and half-dead characters with fake blood pouring from their mouths. homes are decorated with witches and spider webs and jack-o-lanterns (which by the way came about from an old story about a man named stingy jack and the devil, did you know that?).

Continue reading sorry to rain on your halloween parade

i’m grown ’cause…

a friend recently forwarded an email to me that lists 25 ways to tell you’re grown-up. some of them i could mildly relate to and some were so daggone dead-on that it had me crying for my youth. oh, boo-hoo…

not that i’m some old hag… i’m 33. okay, that was a lie, i just turned 34 earlier this month, but next year i’ll be 33 because i refuse to turn 35 and i’m going to start counting backwards from here on out.

anyhoo, here are the “ways” that were so on point:

1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

why-oh-why is sleep sooooooooooo important when you get older?? i remember hanging out at this club in baltimore back in the day and that sucka didn’t close until 6 am!! wooooo!!! let’s get this party started!!! i’d go home and sleep for a couple hours and then it was on to the next adventure. i also remember being at the classics clubbing so late that they started serving breakfast.

i can’t do that anymore. my body just doesn’t cooperate.

2. you watch the weather channel.

oh, i watch the weather channel. cnn. catch the news at least twice a day. there was a time when i just flat out refused to watch the news. “it’s so depressing…” i’d say. there must be something about your 30’s that says, “i would like to know about every horrific thing that has happened not only in my town, but across the world before i start my day.”

3. your friends “marry” and “divorce” instead of “hook up” and “break up”

now this one is a bit tricky because half of my friends are married and half are single, but it does make me feel a little old when one of my friends tells me she’s coming up on her 10th anniversary and another is about to be on her second marriage. can you say, wow??

4. you go from 140 days of vacation to 14.

this has GOT to be the one that absolutely sux the most. this whole “sick leave” and “vacation time” thing sux. i mean, why can’t i get summer vacation?? i work a lot harder than a 3rd grader!

5. sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

now what is up with THAT?? it’s crazy. it’s like your bones and muscles are on their own time or something. you can feel as zippy and youthful as you wanna feel, but sleep on your couch one night. the truth will be told.

6. eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severly upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

not that i’m up at 3 am, but whenever i’ve tried to eat something say ohhhhhhhh… around 12 am-ish it hasn’t been such a good thing.

the mini human jukebox

my 2-year-old son dutch has GOT to be the bossiest little child i’ve ever encountered. so much so that i’ve nicknamed him “boss of nothing” (i mean, ’cause really, just who does he think he’s bossing around here??) but every now and then i give in a little to his whims.

dutch: mama, sing “oink oink here, oink oink there.”

mama: old mcdonald had a farm e-i-e-i-o. and on that farm he had a…

dutch: enough!! mama sing “abcd…”

mama: abcdefg hijklmnop…

dutch: enough!! mama sing “oink oink here…”

i’m so gucci

i was chasing dutch around this morning in my attempt to get us ready and out of the house at a decent time. it’s so not easy now that he’s an active 2-year-old. but i managed to get him still for oh probably about 32.7 seconds. just long enough to wipe him down with a soapy washcloth and then he somehow got free again.

he was running all around the house butty-naked when i was finally able to snatch him up and bring him to the bedroom to get him dressed.

dutch was giggling the whole time (because for some reason this whole running from mommy in the mornings thing is quite funny to him) and i said, “dutch, you are so goofy!!”

his response: “you gucci, mama!!”

ya just gotta love this kid…

it’s my birthday

it’s my birthday… it’s my birthday… get busy… it’s my birthday…

i don’t know about you but whenever a new birthday rolls around i tend to reminisce on allllllll the others.

i remember living room birthday parties when i was 6 and 7. living in s.e. plenty of friends and family. cake. bobbin’ for apples.

at 14 me and two best friends, shawn and michele, planned a big house party in michele’s basement to celebrate all of our october birthdays. we spent days and days making up a dance routine to utfo’s “ya cold wanna be with me”. ’cause you know, we had to make a “bumpin'” entrance…

two-toned guess jean jumpers. guess sweatshirts and fly hair-do’s. fresh white k-swiss tennis shoes… if you were living in the dc area in the 80’s then you know what i’m talking about.

we invited EVERYBODY in the neighborhood, all of our friends from school and cousins. we told all the cute dudes from around the way and a couple of ugly ones too ’cause you know, had to make sure the house was packed.

black lights and glow in the dark trouble funk go-go posters on the walls. loud music. ll cool j. salt ‘n pepa. doug e. fresh and the get fresh crew. chuck brown’s “run joe.”

talk about the good ol’ days…

when i turned 16 my pop took me to new york to see “cats”. i had been dreaming and dreaming and dreaming of going there and finally it happened. we had a blast. well, except i had some nasty, gooey lobster dinner at this fancy dancy restaurant we went to, but other than that it was good times.

21. college. i posted a sign outside of my dorm counting down the days to my 21st birthday. by the time it came everybody stopped by to wish me a happy birthday. all of my friends bought me a bottle of wine and signed it. i still have it.

ooooooooooo… my dirty 30 party was one of the best!! dc’s bar nun. everybody came out even a particular ex-boyfriend. who knew that in less than a year we’d be getting married.

yeah, you could sit around and feel all blah, blah, blah about getting a little older when your birthday comes around, but it’s best to remember all the good times and know that just being here is a blessing.

my birthday highlight today so far: dutch in his carseat this morning whispering “happy burtday to you… happy burtday to you…”

blink frenzy

i picked dutch up from daycare yesterday and i noticed that he kept doing this weird blinking thing.
“yeah, he’s been doing that all day. watch him and make sure he’s okay,” eva the daycare provider said.
no. i’m planning on going home and ignoring him! of course i’m going to watch him, lady!!
as soon as we got in the car i asked, “dutch, do your eyes hurt?”
blink. blink. “no, mommy…”
“are you sure ‘cause you keep blinking and mommy just wants to make sure your eyes don’t hurt.”
blink. blink. “look mommy, truck!!” blink. nose scrunch. blink.
uhhhh. okay. he can see the truck so maybe that’s a good thing, right?
i looked in the rearview mirror and he just kept doing this blinking thing and all i could think of was the little kid from jerry maguire. you know, “did you know that that human head weighs 8 pounds?”
i mean, sure he was cute and all, but i don’t want that for my dutch. i mean, could all this blinking stuff really mean that something’s wrong with my child’s eyes? oh goodness, there he goes again. he’s blinking nonstop!!
i asked him about things that we were passing just to make sure he was seeing things okay.
“hey dutch, what are those kids doing over there?”
“play ball, mommy.”
okay good. but then i figured even if his vision was a little blurry he would probably be able to guess at that one.
so later on that evening after quite a few more blinks and nose scrunches he asked to watch “go, diego, go”. i popped in the dvd and then stood in the kitchen where i knew he’d be able to see me and i held up various objects.
i held up his monkey cup.
“hey dutch, what’s this?”
then i picked up a shoe.
“hey dutch, what about this? what’s this, buddy?”
then i found a smaller item. a matchbox car.
“hey dutch, and what’s this?”
uh-oh!! i wasn’t sure what to do. should i google “toddler blinks a lot”? or call his doctor (who he just saw last week for his check-up) and say, “hey doc, dutch sure has been doing a lot of blinking today. what do you think that could be?”
so i did the next best thing. i asked my best friend who just happens to work in dutch’s doctor’s office and she said, “well, you know the pollen and ragweed is pretty bad…”
oh, ragweed and pollen!! so he won’t have to wear silly goggles?

just wanted to let you know…

that i do fully intend to add pictures to this blog. i know it’s kind of boring to just see chunks of text on a page with no full color pics to go along with it, but the truth is i haven’t had time to do all of that. i just want to you realize that i’m aware of it and it’s gonna happen because sometimes pictures just bring a story to life.

and i know it would’ve helped with this one…

a good girlfriend of mine suggested that we hook up with another mom friend and take all of our boys to a local park for the kinderfest festival. it’s an event that’s held annually for preschool and kindergarten aged children and they all kinds of activities like a hay maze, hay ride, face painting, scarecrow stuffing, moon bouncing, farm animal petting and loads of eating and drinking.

it started out as a good idea, but what the kinderfest folks forgot to mention is this:

because of global warming early october no longer feels like fall. it’s more like mid-summer so if you don’t have a bottle of ice water in hand during your walk from your vehicle to the park chances are you might feel a bit lightheaded and pass out along the way.

that walk from the parking lot to the park will be about a mile or at least feel like one in the blazing sun.

a nice cool cup of good ol’ lemonade will run you about $4. (actually, i wouldn’t have cared if it was $19.95. it was just that daggone hot.)

enter the johnny b. quick portable potty with extreme caution in temperatures over 90 degrees. (do i need to even get into details on this one?)

seating in the shade is limited. bring your own tent.

young children are often rude. be prepared to defend yourself against them. (such was the case of the beautiful little girl with lovely curly locks who walked over to us and said that her bottle of water was empty and then told us she was planning to throw the bottle at us.)

farm animals stink and the heat makes the stink worse.

you’ll never figure out how to get to the pumpkin patch from the hay maze so either have someone pass you a pumpkin or consider your $1.50 in hay maze tickets a loss.

the moon bounce will feel like jumping up and down in your microwave. let your children enter at their own risk and don’t blame us if they come out looking like they need oxygen.

we’ll have some woman with a hideous voice singing opera as your live entertainment. either bring ear plugs or have your children scream loudly to drown out the sound of her voice.