so this evening my dear 6yo son dutch had a question for me…
dutch: mom, am i american?
mama: no, dutch, you’re japanese (because honestly, i thought it was a pretty ridiculous question, since he knows he’s american).
dutch: [getting loud & super whiny all of a sudden...] i AM NOT japanese!!!! if i was japanese i would speak SPANISH!!
kids. gotta love ‘em.
okay, that title was a bit dramatic, but boy was i one happy mama when i received a letter from dutch’s school stating that he was one of two students in his 1st grade class who qualified for the school spelling bee!
woohoooooooo!!! i was in a couple spelling bees in elementary school and won ribbons so i was pretty dang proud.
then i saw the list of words. since this was a school spelling bee the words weren’t just for 1st graders. in fact, they were 5th thru 8th grade words! the school sent home a list of 450 words to study and it included words like expressionism, extemporaneous, circumloctution, dramaturgy, slantindicular…
what the hairy heck?
we had less than a month to prepare for this thing and honestly, i didn’t even concentrate on the tougher words. for goodness sakes, my child is 6, what does he know about slantindicular?
so we practiced and practiced and initially dutch was excited about the possibility of winning a ribbon, but as the spelling bee drew nearer he said, “mom, i’m not going to win this thing.” i told him that i was proud of him for even making it to the spelling bee at all! my husband and i just wanted him to do his best and to have fun.
the day of the spelling bee, dutch said he wanted to wear his bowtie. and this is not just any ol’ bowtie. it’s a black velvet bowtie, but i love that he wants to do his own thing sometimes and not follow the crowd so i just went with it. we took tons of pictures and he videotaped himself. he was super excited about the day.
as if you couldn’t tell by the pictures. 
my husband and i went to the spelling bee and we were nervous as heck as he stepped up to the mic to spell his first word.
s-c-o-o-p
whew!! they started off with the easy words. i was hoping that he’d at least make it through the first round. score! then came the second round and honey, it was a beast. wiped out most of the 1st graders. dutch stepped to the mic once again…
t-u-r-k-e-y
boom!! all i do is win win win no matter what… yeah, i was dancing in my seat!
there were only two 1st graders left for the third round and dutch was the first up…
t-h-u-r-m-u-s
as if my child knows what a daggone thermos is, but hey, he sounded that sucka out and did the best he could. we were mighty proud of him and his school principal said the same.
and can i just say everyone loved his black velvet bowtie? one teacher said to me, “he might not’ve won the spelling bee, but he definitely wins for most fashionable.”
all i do is win win win no matter what…
dutch and i had an interesting little convo recently that went like this…
dutch: when i grow up can i get a cat?
mama: when you grow up you can get whatever you want.
dutch: oh great! when i grow up i can write and say cursive words!!
mama: cursive words?? what do you mean? [knowing full well what he meant, but i wanted to hear him explain himself.]
dutch: you know how you write like this… ["writes" with finger on the on the couch and makes swirls] and i get to SAY cursive words!!
mama: what are cursive words, dutch?
dutch: you know, like the “d” word, the “h” word…
dutch is super picky. i mean, super duper picky. it drives me up a wall. i’ve tried everything to get him to eat or at least try different foods, but no dice. here’s our most recent dinner conversation:
mama: you need to eat more than just the chicken on your plate, dutch. you’re getting too skinny!
dutch: i like being skinny.
mama: and why do you like being skinny, dutch?
dutch: because i can fit in the air vents.
mama: and why would you ever need to fit in the air vents, dutch?
dutch: just in case there’s ever a fire or something and i need to get out of the house!
then he went on to sing various songs of his own making:
“i’m so skinny, i can fit through a hole… i’m so skinny i can fit through a hole…”
“i like being, skinny, skinny, skinny, skinny… skinny, skinny, skinny, skinny…”
yesterday dutch told me that when he turns 16 he’s running for mayor.
mama: so what will you do when you become mayor?
dutch: i’m going to build another school next to my school called bearhuggers elementary.
i should explain that bearhuggers is a school name that i made up when i was trying to trick dutch at the beginning of the school year by telling him he would be transferring there for the year. but anyway…
mama: okaaaaayyyyy… so what else will you do when you become mayor?
dutch: i’m going to make all the soccer teams colors, instead of states.
so yeah, vote for dutch. in ten years.
1st grade. can’t you just see the joy on his face?
he was actually totally excited about his first day of 1st grade. what he wasn’t excited about was holding the green “speech bubble” i made five minutes before this picture was taken.
oh whatever.
so anyway, today he says to me…
“mom, you know if you make yourself invisible in class you will get in trouble and get sent to the principal’s office?”
yep, he came up with that one all on his own.
my child has a very…interesting little personality to say the least and this evening was no different from any other. it’s just that this time i decided to jot some of this stuff down here since, well, i haven’t blogged here in a minute anyway.
ummm, that was a run-on sentence, wasn’t it?
first up, he had to drive me crazy doing something he had no business doing. it’s just a mandatory part of our evening, you know. if you have a small child i’m sure you understand how they get down. so tonight it was flicking a light switch on and off.
mama: stop doing that! you’re wasting electricity!
dutch: is electricity even a word?
sidenote: see, he has this thing now where he doesn’t believe a lot of things i say. as if i’m sitting around making up words to use on him or something.
mama: yes, it’s a word!
dutch: i don’t believe in you. you don’t believe in me so i don’t believe in you. i don’t believe in people who don’t believe in me…that’s just what i do.
yeah, okay, kid.
next was our first big activity of the evening: homework. homework for a kindergarten student in 2011 is nothing like it was for me back in the 70s. he’s labeling ant parts and stuff. and not just this is the head, this is the body. no, it’s this is the thorax, this is the abdomen. yeah, that.
but anyway, first, we had to finish last night’s homework where he had to write a story about 5 angry bees using the words “before,” “next” and “after.” he decided to end the story by saying that the bees went fishing.
i had never seen him draw his fish the way he did for this assignment so i asked…
mama: oh, how’d you learn how to draw your fish like that?
dutch: i’m just soooooo talented. i thought of it by myself.
well, now what mama is gonna argue with that?
after dinner we just chilled out on the couch. me, i’m reading wench by dolen perkins-valdez. dutch was watching nickelodeon. i wasn’t paying much attention when the h&m commercial came on, you know, the one with erykah badu singing muddy waters‘ “mannish boy”? the one with the women in the slinky bikinis? yeah, that one. and why was it on nickelodeon anyway??!! so here’s dutch…
dutch: mommy, why are women so hot?
okay, let’s pause for a second. what does my 5-year-old know about “hot”? i glance over to the tv and think maybe, just maybe, he thinks the women must be hot and that’s why they’re wearing skimpy clothing. right? right?
mama: what do you mean by “hot”??
dutch: you all have boobs and butts and stuff.
hol’ up…HOLLLLLLLLL’ UP!!!!!!!!!
WHAT??!!
i have to admit to not always being so quick on my toes with my son because sometimes he just blindsides me with the stuff he says and frankly, i’m sitting there replaying what he’s said over and over in my mind making sure i heard what i think i heard…and well, my usual witty responses are lost somewhere in the air.
so instead of giving him an answer, i ask again…
mama: what do you mean by “hot”?
dutch: you know, like when you want to kiss a girl.
okay, see, at this point i’m just ready to throw out every tv in the house and have him reading the Bible and langston hughes poetry 24/7. it’s bad enough that he came home from school with a loose tooth so i’m already reeling from the fact that my baby, who just got his teeth only a few years ago mind you, is about to lose one. now his ol’ snaggletooth self is talking about kissing girls?
Lord help me, i ain’t ready.
so since dutch’s t-ball practice was rained out, i figured, let’s dye our Easter eggs!! fun, right? well, not exactly. first of all, as soon as we walked through the door from spring break camp, he’s like, i’m ready to dye the eggs now!! hol’ up there, buddy. the eggs haven’t even been boiled yet!
i told him to just wait a minute and that we’d start soon. so then i go into the bathroom and here he comes knocking at the door (like always), “mom, i’ve got the eggs!!!”
oh boy.
what in the world? i told him to put them back and i’d be out in a minute to boil them. then i hear him fall…with the eggs.
great.
i ask, “dutch, did you break the eggs?” dutch: i didn’t break them! “dutch, did you check the eggs?” dutch: i didn’t check them but i’m pretty sure they didn’t break.
yeah, okay.
two were cracked. not a big deal. i had bought two dozen. so i boil the eggs and prepare dinner at the same time and tell dutch that we have to eat dinner first. that’s when the break down happened. “why do we alwaysssssssss have to eat first when we come home? why can’t we do other things first?!! like watch tv.”
i save my whole speech about how there are starving children in the world because really, i just don’t even feel like giving a speech. instead i stew a little bit in my annoyed-ness ’cause see i have a bad habit of imagining how a particular activity will go and when it doesn’t go that way and things get all funky, well, mama ain’t too happy with that.
can you blame me though? dyeing eggs is supposed to be fun! not a whine-fest. so yeah, i get annoyed. i’m tired, i don’t want to dye eggs anymore. but i proceed anyway because i mean, really, i’m in too deep at this point to change the course of the evening.
i barely read the instructions, realize that i hadn’t bought what i thought i bought (like the little egg holder thingy, it was just an egg holder thingy…no dye, no nothing). and since i didn’t really read the directions the eggs don’t quite come out looking like the ones on the box, you know, with this whole marble look. instead they just look kinda…blah.
then dutch cracks two more eggs. dye is all over the table and instead of using the little hook thingy, he uses his fingers to get the eggs out and dye is just…well, everywhere. we fuss back and forth about when to take the eggs out of the egg holder dryer thingy. i think i care too much about egg dryness. i mean, really, do the eggs have to be thoroughly dry before we move them to the tupperware-ish bowl. probably not. so i wave my surrender flag, or rather the blue rag that i was using to sop up dye from the table. put the eggs wherever you wish, dear son.
but i have to give a strong no when dutch says, “okay, after all these eggs are dry, we’re going to put them in my room.”
dutchie had his first t-ball practice last sunday…finally! i don’t know who decided april was a good month to start an outdoor sport, but i’m thinking maybe they should reconsider. he’s had a canceled derby, canceled practices, a canceled game…all because of rain. he’s worn his uniform more in the house (just from the pure excitement of being a part of a team) than actually out on the field!
the whole rain situation has probably annoyed me and the husband more than dutch. what does he care? he’s a part of a team. a real live team!!
and who cares that he happily raised his hand to answer the question, “where is first base?” and then ran to home?
he finally had the chance to put on a helmet and hold a bat.
and hit the ball!!
